Cheesecake vs. Crème Brûlée: A Saga of Hatred

At some point along this long road we all travel called life, people started to become dissatisfied with the standard. I suppose that’s how innovation has happened. But, some things just aren’t broken and don’t need to be fixed. Some people began to think they could do it better. That the status quo wasn’t cutting it anymore.  They felt they needed to modify the basics.  No, I’m not talking roulette strategies or offensive playbooks in football (though this article also applies to both).  I’m talking about desserts.  Namely, the insurgence of Crème Brûlée into dessert menus at many fine dining establishments across this country.

Let’s get straight to the point:  Crème Brûlée is trash and here’s why.  When you boil it down (no pun intended), it’s pudding. “Chefs” then take a blow torch to it so the top of it becomes caramelized (read burnt).  That’s all it is.  I made some Crème Brûlée at my house once when I wanted to see how easy it was. 

Step 1, mix a vanilla pudding Jell-O pack as directed.  Step 2, plate 4 oz portions in fire-resistant dishes.  Step 3, take your blow torch to the top of the pudding dishes.  Step 4, garnish with whatever fancy garnish you can think of.

That’s it, you’re done.  Now sell it for $15 on your dessert menu.  And watch the foodies marvel over your burnt pudding.  Gross.

Now let’s rewind to my introduction.  Buried the lead once again.  You may be wondering what the standard is.  The standard, tried and true, complex and delectable dessert that can be ordered time and time again is cheesecake.  I’m not sure why I’m capitalizing Crème Brûlée and not cheesecake.  Wait, maybe because it’s a household name?  Maybe it’s because it’s a staple of our American dessert culture?  It’s so engrained that it’s become a common noun like baseball and apple pie.

What’s that?  You’re bored of the plain cheesecake with the graham cracker crust and strawberry on top?  First, I’d ask to check your temperature.  Second, my friend, you’re in luck.  There are so many variations of cheesecake that you could eat one each day of the year and still not have consumed every last combination.  Hell, they made a whole restaurant based off of cheesecake.

I would love to go on, and I will.  This is part I.  Let’s let the haters have their moment.